Post by /Sad/~rain on Dec 26, 2008 5:08:51 GMT -5
Hollow eyes and hollow hopes;
Is thereescape from this Destroyed Heart Labyrinth?
Is there
I have existed in this strange world for 15 years,
knowing that my life begun on 4th April
and having nothing to protect my self,
I am nothing but a Wingless Butterfly
called Erika Naccari.[/ul]
{Appearance~
Black and white butterfly in colorful world.
There is nothing too unusual about Erika. Yet, she tends to catch one's eye in some way. But the way how people react to her looks are very widely ranged. Well, let's start from from the top.
Her hair is long, way past mid back or even her butt. She keeps them carefully braided but when opened, they flow to her knees. That's one of little joys she allows her self to have from the past. Its color is hard to define exactly because some would call it dirty blond but other golden brown or simply light brown. I would say the color is more golden brown than just brown, especially when it bleaches in summer - then her hair is purely golden. Her hair is thick and somewhat straight, as long as it doesn't come in contact with water - then it curls. It's also very soft and smooth as she really tries to take the best care of it.
Her eyes are casual and unusual in the same time. Normally, they are just shade of gray, with darker gray, almost black border around iris. But at closer inspection, there are specks of blue-gray in them and when light and her emotions change, blue or even shade of green color may take over her pupil. When she is angry or afraid, cornea widens, color darkens and her eyes look almost midnight blue. But she often keeps her eyelids half closed, making her eyes seem smaller than they actually are, though, her gaze is not turned downcast but more like inspecting everyone and everything around her. Her brown eyelashes are thick and shadows her cheeks. Another unusual trait in her face is her mismatched eyebrows - one gracefully arched but other like broken angle.
Erika is a pale and thin girl. Her skin is almost sickly pale as if she wouldn't see sun much but it is mostly because of her anemia and low blood pressure (Actually, she tans quite easily and quickly in summer). That is also the reason why she rarely blushes. She is somewhat curvy but otherwise thin, with long, lean limbs and her ribs can be easily counted. Her fingers and palms are long, meaning she has perfect musician hand.
Her face is quite pretty, with high cheekbones, small but full lips and matching nose. Her chin is slightly pointed, giving her face triangular looks. overall, it just adds to her rather frail looks.
Maybe it's her clothes that makes Erika so unusual. They are practically nothing from famous designers or expensive shops in her wardrobe. Mostly, her clothes comes from second hand shops but you would never guess what cool stuff you can find in there or think that her clothes comes from there. Her secret? Sewing and embroidery. She has learned from her mother how to make most amazing clothing from old things and they look as good as new or from expensive shops. She reads fashion magazines when can afford them and follows fashion but in her own way, creating her own unique style. The most she likes jeans and all clothes colored darkly, preferably black. Another dear color to her is purple.
She also loves jewelry very much, mostly earrings. She even knows how to make them self from beads and putting together multiple cheap ones. She has three holes in her right ear and one in her left, letting her create pretty combinations. She rarely wears any other things like rings or necklaces. She seems to think they are bothersome to find and put on (She has only few rings that aren't too big or too small for her).
She is rarely grinning, especially on street, but her smile is pretty, though, she thinks it's not and hides it with her hand most of the time. Her expressions are more serious and sad than anything else but sometimes you will see her smiling softly and humming some tune as she walks down the street, obviously in her own world. She often has this "faraway" gaze and it creeps people out when she looks at you but seemingly doesn't see you. When she is angry this "you-are-empty-space" look is really unpleasing and no matter how hurt she is on inside, she will make you feel worthless in your attempts to hurt her. Her small smirk that comes out unwanted seems to be clear proof of that.
She doesn't use makeup, besides a lip gloss of mascara on special occasions. She just doesn't find time to put it all on and neither she finds it interesting. Maybe she just doesn't want to look older than she is.
Overall, yes, she is out of ordinary and many dislikes that but those are things that she is not going to change about her self, not now, not ever... Or so I hope.
{Personality~
Creating shallow dreams with empty heart.
Well, this won't be easy. Like all people, she has many different edges and sides and it's hard to describe them all. So, maybe, I will start with the basics about her.
She is quite shy girl, quiet and shy. She rarely voices her opinions on the matter if it is not with someone she knows well and even then she will seem unsure about them, unless you have angered her. She is kind and doesn't want to hurt anyone with her words or actions which is also the reason why she doesn't like to tell what she actually thinks of some things.
She is highly unsure of her self and doubtful. She might seem asking for praises sometimes when she is all "oh, that's not good" about her job but it's really what she thinks. Lately, though, she tries to suppress this urge to say such things and act more self confident. But considering she barely speaks to anyone, it's not like many knows of that.
Erika is helpful and shows that as much as she can. She will help you carry things around or find them or even do the homework for you if you only know how to ask. yes, it's very easy to use her at times.
She is friendly, maybe a bit too much - letting people who actually only wants to use her, get too close to her heart, ending up very hurt. She doesn't believe anyone could be really nice to her without a reason and doesn't expect you to be friendly. if you are, she will be surprised, stare at you blankly, not knowing what to say or sounding a bit snappy, thinking it's only a trick. She tries to border her self from the rest now and it is one of the reasons why she is often thought as cold and stuck up.
She is a big dreamer and writer but she never shows her work to anyone. Sometimes, she will hum her self written songs or poems, when she is sure no one is around. She tends to build dream castles on clouds, even if she knows they will never come true but when they break, it always hurts her and she promises to never do that again... Until next time. Fantasies is big part of her life and she thinks she would not survive without them.
She isn't very optimistic, more like opposite and it eats her wish to live away slowly. Sometimes, she just gives up too easily. Maybe it's because she doesn't believe she is able to achieve something and now when she had to sacrifice her few dreams to work, she is even less hopeful than before.
But if she is really fed up, she will struggle and fight for her rights and thoughts. She can be strong but it just takes a lot to bring that strength out. She is somewhat stubborn and no matter what, she won't give in to the kids who bully her and become like the rest. She isn't proud of her self, only painfully glad that she is different and plans on staying so.
With her friends, she opens up quite much, She can be funny and happy, joke a lot, even be hyper. With her friends, she is quite different form the usual, quiet Erika, though, her wish to not hurt anyone and to see everyone happy stays. It seems her biggest problem is that she spills her problems onto people too easily when someone asks how she is living. People just doesn't like to be burdened with such things, they think her to be weak and whining... Which she maybe is a little.
Well, overall, there are many good and bad things about her and one have to get used to them all slowly or else she seems pretty unacceptable. But gaining her friendship really is worth it - she is very trustworthy and hates lies or lying. Maybe she would change a little for the better if she would find way to reach at least one of her goals, to know the world is not fully hopeless - regain her dream wings.
{History~
No, she wasn't born in usual family. They weren't rich or poor but they just weren't like the rest. Her mother was 38 when she remarried with Erika's dad, having a son from first marriage, and both of them just didn't think of world like the rest did. Together, they were very happy even if the young boy and his new step-father didn't get along so well at first. When they found out that there soon would be extension to the family, they were even more happy.
Erika's birthday is never a day she can celebrate with pure joy because it is the death day of her twin sister. The other girl, born few minutes before her was a stillborn child and never breathed or opened her eyes. The doctors took her away from their mother before she even could have a closer look at the baby and her parents never saw her again, only the little, closed coffin they buried in graveyard.
Maybe that was one of the reasons why her father's health got worse and few months after Erika turned three, he passed away with a heart attack. Her mother had to take care of everything but her health wasn't the best, too, plus she had ill mother as well. So, when Erika's godfather offered to take the children on vacation in country side, she was quite happy.
But something very bad happened there. Erika doesn't recall it fully anymore but somehow, it ended so that her brother pushed her out the swings and she fell badly. Later, it turned out she had hurt her kidneys a lot and she almost died in hospital as no one could find what was wrong at first.
Because of that, Erika became a sickly child who needed to be watched after but her grandmother was old and ill, her brother away in boarding school and her mother working. Often, she got worse and her mom had to take break from job to tend her. In the end, mom's boss made her choose - either job or her daughter. She chose the little girl but Erika always felt guilty for that.
Her mother wasn't so young anymore and due to some other things, she couldn't find job anymore so they started to struggle. It was hard but that was shaped Erika's personality a lot in the way she is now and for some things she is thankful. She grew very close to her mother but there was always a rift between her and her brother - maybe it was because he was a little forceful on her or maybe it was because their different ages were the problem or maybe of something else - who knows.
With each year, her grandma and mom grew more ill but they didn't have medicine to help them - they had barely made Erika better and she was still in pain sometimes. It worried the girl more than the inability to get expensive stuff. But, obviously, it was what bothered her classmates and she was always laughed at. And her dreaming, hopeful and kind nature, obviously, was and is another reason why she was made fun of. She suffered a lot because of that, became all the more quiet and secretive, even depressed. No one besides her mother knew what and how she felt.
When Erika was 12, they almost lost their apartment because of unpaid rent. Only with help of mom;s few friends they managed to save their home. Her brother refused to help them. He did say he would but never did and only disappeared from time to time to "work" but in the rest of time, just used the little money they had. It lead to many fights between mother and him and made Erika dislike her brother all the more. She suffered because of this because it's hard to dislike, even hate, one that you count as your own family.
And then it happened. Her mother just fainted one day and ambulance took her to hospital. Soon, out of worry, her grandmother followed and the bills grew higher and higher, especially as her grandma had cancer. Only then her brother started to help to deal with the bills a little but mom just felt so bad that she was ill Erika had to almost force her to stay in hospital. By this time, she had pushed her own dreams and wishes aside - quit regular school (She was now homeschooling) and started to do part time jobs to keep the house above "drowning level".
Soon after that, her mother grew so ill she couldn't protest about going of the clinic much. When the doctors gave hope of her getting better after surgery, Erika started to work even harder to earn money for it. And that's what she is doing now, too. Only it seems so hopeless she can barely force her self to go to the nasty, dark places she has to work at anymore and her heart has stopped believing almost everything good.
{Other~ She is working at multiple bars and hotels as maid and cleaner, mostly jobs done at night and is home shcooling, though, her grades are dropping dramatically each month. She has no idea where her brother is right now.
Erika is also ill and, though,she says she is healed, it's not really right. But better don't speak about it or she will get upset and angry. She doesn't like to eat much (And she can't, too) and she has gotten used to sleeping not more than4-6 hours per day
She has nice voice, though, she can barely keep a melody right without a tune in background and one of her dreams was to learn playing guitar. She has somewhat strange taste in music, including Emilie Autumn, Nightwish, the Cruxshadows, Within Temptation and other such bands and singers.
She does not know of the Underground and would probably not able to pass the tests, anyway.
She has talent in sewing and writing but she can't put them to use anywhere (Or she is too shy to show them to anyone) so there are only few who knows about that.
She has habit of biting/chewing her lip when she is nervous or playing with her hair.
{Picture~ [None real as she is fruit of my fantasy in... Most ways]
